Trump's Aborted Superman T-Shirt Reveal? Let's talk politics! (8 News Jokes)

TRANSCRIPT:

Trump's health continues to dominate the headlines. According to the New York Times, when Trump was leaving the hospital, he wanted to surprise people by wearing a Superman t-shirt. That's outlandish even for Trump, but it made me think about Superman's slogan-- "Truth, justice, and the American way"-- I guess Trump's would be "Alternative truth, racial injustice, and the Soviet way".

Regeneron, the antibody treatment for COVID that helped President Trump, was developed using cells derived from an abortion, which right-wing media has been conveniently silent about. Way to go, conservatives, congratulations on your immaculate deception.

The president continues to bungle the pandemic. This week, he declared there will be no stimulus bill until he is re-elected. This has got to be the dumbest hostage situation ever. So, if Biden wins, we still get the stimulus check minus all the white supremacy? What to choose... What to choose?

Trump says now that he's recovered from coronavirus, he would love to donate plasma to help others. If it's anything like his previous charities, that means he'll be setting up an elaborate plasma laundering scheme.

Other countries are laughing at President Trump. Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in Amsterdam has updated Trump's statue with a mask and quarantine signs. Oh, I'm getting an update: a plane full of Republicans are on their way to borrow wax-Trump because it has a better chance of winning the election than Trump does. Apparently the statue has support from 100% of wax supremacists.

Trump is not doing well in the polls. But he did get an endorsement from a surprising source this week: the Taliban. They said they really admire his long history of causing irreparable damage to New York City.

Election day is nearly here, and an Instagram model is in trouble for offering free nudes to anyone who votes for Biden, using the hashtag #BootyForBiden. And I hear gay voters can get their nudes-for-votes at hashtag #PoleWatchers.

Finally, as if they don't already have enough problems at the White House, press pool reporters have been continually harassed by a wild raccoon. Oh, I'm getting an update: it turns out it was just an angry Stephen Miller during a full moon.