Listen up, commuters. The new Virgin Hyperloop did their first successful passenger test, but the system is being criticized because it has the lowest velocity of any high-speed rail in the world. Their CEO, Richard Branson replied "Look, it's on-brand. Virgins like to take it slow."

Here's one for Elon Musk fans. SpaceX and NASA have announced the first commercial "taxi" trip to the International Space Station. I don't know why they call it a "taxi" trip but NASA has confirmed the captain will be chatting away on a bluetooth earpiece the entire time while he takes you on the slowest route to the spaceport.

A story for the vegetarians: McDonald's has announced their first meat-free burger, the McPlant. If you order the combo, you get a side of leaves and a large pinecone. But apparently the most popular side to order with it is… a real goddam burger. My sources say when the hamburglar stole a sack of them, he took one bite and was like, "What the HELL is this crap?"

Bonus Story! According to satellite imagery, North Korea is training dolphins for their Navy. So far, intelligence agencies are unable to ascertain the porpoise of their operations.