Scientists Find 400-Year-Old Shark?!

(And More SCIENCE and TECH News)

In Amazon news, management has been denying that workers are forced to pee in bottles, only to receive a "flood" of evidence in return. I guess that's what makes Amazon #1. Apparently Jeff Bezos insisted on a taste test and then said "Tastes just like the normal water my assistant always brings me."

Check this out. Scientists studying the volcano erupting in Iceland found a fun side benefit of being near molten lava-- it's a great way to cook "hot lava dogs". It proves once again that studying volcanoes remains, in every way, a sausage fest. As a side benefit, there's always a slight chance that you'll ingest the ring of power.

In Mexico, researchers have developed a nose-only COVID-19 mask designed for people to wear while eating and drinking. "How about one that only covers the mouth?" snorted Donald Trump Jr. I heard when Ted Cruz comes to visit, they give him one that covers his entire face.

In Greenland, scientists used carbon dating to prove they've found the world's oldest living vertebrate, a 400-year-old shark. I'll tell you who's not happy about this discovery-- the second-most-ancient vertebrate. Apparently Stephen Spielberg was inspired by the creature and is already working on a sequel to Jaws called Jowls.

Finally, according to a new report by a leading epidemiologist and environmental scientist, human penises are shrinking because of pollution. Oh, I've got some breaking news: The entire Republican party has just announced they support the Green New Deal.