Sales of Crocs are Soaring!

(And More CRAZY News Stories)

Good news for the West Coast: according to the COVID Data Tracker, California has the lowest rate of new Coronavirus cases in America. Good job guys! And to celebrate, we'll honor one of our state's oldest traditions: recalling the Governor.

In tobacco news, the FDA says they're banning all menthol cigarettes and flavored cigars. Flavored cigars? What are the flavors? The only one I know is "old boomer asshole".

In Torrance, a family came home to find an entire flock of birds had taken roost inside their home. The guy said "Why did this happen? Why? All we did was buy a Google Nest!"

In Miami, a school run by anti-vaxxers is telling teachers they won't employ anybody who got the shot "until we find out how this 'experimental' drug impacts unvaccinated individuals". Unbelievable. Oh, this is right up my alley, I'll save you guys the trouble.... here it is. "It doesn't". Also you're stupid.

Here's something bizarre. The CEO of a Silicon Valley startup was fired for micro-dosing LSD. It's especially ironic because like all tech CEOs, he was hired for *macro*-dosing B.S. Apparently the board knew he was on something when he started telling the truth to all the investors.

Bad news for hard bodies like myself: many pools may be closed this summer due to the worst chlorine shortage the country has ever seen. It's a huge loss for swimmers, but a giant win for sensitive eyeballs worldwide.

Finally, have you guys noticed this? Sales of Crocs are suddenly soaring, with the weird shoes being worn by all kinds of celebrities. Yeah, well color me unimpressed. Call me when Justin Bieber has Crocs. OK fine, call me when Post Malone has Crocs. What? Alright call me when Helen Mirren has them. OK ok... please stop calling me.