Putin Has Parkinsons?
(INTERNATIONAL News Update + Jokes)
In Moscow, sources are claiming Putin will resign soon due to Parkinson's disease. It's a good reminder to lookout for Parkinson's symptoms in your loved ones, which include tremor, stiff muscles, and putting poison on doorknobs. Marijuana can reduce Parkinson's flare-ups, which probably explains Putin's new look.
A Russian oligarch known as the "Sausage King" was murdered in a sauna with a crossbow. And we have obtained exclusive footage of that moment. "I just killed the sausage king".
One last story from Moscow: Russian parliament is debating a bill to give Putin lifetime immunity from prosecution. Luckily, even if the bill doesn't pass, Putin has tested positive for prosecution antibodies. And I hear the odds of the bill passing are polling at 150%.
In Japan, a five-story "porn theme park" opened its doors, featuring real adult film stars serving drinks in tiny outfits. But the best part are the rides, including the Matterhorny, Face Mountin', and It's a Huge World After All.