One-Liner News - August 30, 2020
Tom Cruise went to go see the movie "Tenet" in theaters and posted a weird video of the outing. I'm really glad he wore a mask, 'cause that's some Risky Business.
R. Kelly was attacked in his prison cell by an angry inmate. Wow, he must have really pissed that guy off.
Elon Musk has revealed a working prototype of his "NeuralLink" brain-implant device, in a demonstration using pigs. The implants were so effective, the pigs were able to communicate an entire sentence: "Put us back in the bacon factory, just please get us away from Elon Musk"
A zoo in Warsaw is helping stressed-out elephants by giving them marijuana. When asked how much weed it takes to get an elephant stoned, they said "one Woody Harrelson worth".
A giant glowing orb in Singapore is the world’s first floating Apple Store. Not to be outdone, Samsung has also opened a floating store with a better camera that no one will go into. Oh I'm getting an update: the orb has sunk, and sadly, the owners did not get the Apple Care protection package.
There's a new video game called "Airplane Mode" that will let you relive the monotony of an economy flight, in excruciating detail. There are Sudoku puzzles, an unskippable safety video, and a guy next to you keeps saying "Hey, touch my forehead, do you think I have a fever?"
Trump wants Biden to agree to take a drug test before the first debate. I can only imagine what they'll find. "Sir, you've tested positive for prune juice, metamucil and viagra. You're good to go."
According to a new book, Melania refused to move into the White House until the Obamas' toilet was replaced. Apparently, when they first got married, she tried to do the same thing with Ivanka.
Bodega owners in New York City say the police response to robberies is so useless, they won't call 911 anymore. When asked who they would call instead, bodega owners unanimously said "Ghostbusters".
Several TikTok celebrities in LA have been criminally charged after throwing large house parties. Police knew something was up when they could hear each song being played for just 30 seconds.
A tech firm has developed a terrifying robotic arm that can stick a swab up your nose to test for coronavirus. What I'd like to know is, does it only work putting things up your nose? Asking for a friend.
Trump ended his trip to look at hurricane damage with a tone-deaf autograph session, telling people "sell my signature on eBay, you'll get ten thousand dollars. And, we've obtained exclusive footage of the exchange.
A naked man in Australia used a car wash to take a shower. I don't even want to think about what he does at Jiffy Lube.
Dr. Fauci says he was under anesthesia when the CDC recently decided to weaken its COVID-19 testing guidelines. It raises a lot of questions-- most importantly, can they put me under anesthesia for the rest of 2020?