No Hugging Santa This Year? Let's Talk About Stories from Across America! (6 News Jokes)
A militia group in Michigan was charged with a conspiracy to kidnap and harm Governor Gretchen Whitmer, and they call themselves the "Wolverine Watchmen". What they did is horrible and they should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. But what's even more is disgusting... is mixing the DC and Marvel universes. Wolverine Watchmen? Come on, guys, what were you thinking?
The US has extradited two members of the British ISIS terrorist group nicknamed "The Beatles" to face charges. Though not as popular as the original Beatles, they do have a new album. You'll enjoy tracks such as: I Want to Hold Your Hand (Before I Chop It Off). Here Comes the Sun (to Burn the Infidels). Opium Fields Forever. Can't Arrange Me Love. It's Been A Jihad Day's Night. Hate Days a Week. Back to (be Funded by) the USSR. And the bonus track, Jey Jew, if you order now.
A priest in New Orleans is in trouble for having a threesome with two dominatrixes on the altar. Oh, I'm getting an update: the priest claims it wasn't a threesome, he was practicing for his avant-garde sermon on the holy trinity.
California has taken a beating this year. Napa Valley's wine industry is reeling, with 80% of cabernet lost to smoke or fire. Sorry, Paul Giamatti. Looks like you're drinking Merlot. "I am not drinking any fucking merlot!"
The pandemic is forcing families to change their traditions. Thanksgiving will be different this year, with 40% of Americans planning to do it virtually, and 30% taking guest temperatures at the door. If that sounds depressing, prepare your family by telling them it's what the original Pilgrims did with the Indians-- by introducing a new disease to your hosts that will kill them all.
Finally, due to coronavirus, mall Santas will be socially distanced this year, and shopping centers are creating "touchless experiences" for kids to meet St. Nick with no hugging allowed. They even hired an expert consultant: my dad.