Munawar Faruqui Jailed for Jokes he "Might" Tell?

(And More CRIME News)

In Florida, a burglary suspect tried, and failed, to flirt with the judge of his virtual Zoom bail hearing, and it's something you just have to see: "Judge you so gorgeous. I just had to tell you. I love you, I love you." Poor guy apparently didn't know how to flirt properly. You gotta play hard to get. If he had said "Judge, sorry, you're not my type", he'd be a free man!

Listen to this. In India, comedian Munawar Faruqui spent 35 days in jail on suspicion of jokes he "might" tell, which were deemed offensive to Hindus. Wow. It's like if Minority Report was actually about minorities. In solidarity, I've written a series of my own offensive Hindu jokes that are sure to...

In Jamaica, the double-whammy of climate change and COVID-19 are causing a new problem-- a severe weed shortage. Just to be clear, a weed shortage in Jamaica is 2 pounds per person, per week. Luckily, Woody Harrelson lent them a teeny-tiny fraction of his stash and now they're good for the next thousand years.

Finally, a Chinese woman who was caught smuggling 947 cactus plants strapped to her body onto an airplane has been sentenced to 100 hours of community service and 1 year of intensive supervision. Wow, she got off easy. I would have sentenced her to just sit down. Ouch! Remember kids, the only airline that allows you to smuggle unlimited amounts of cactus... is Southwest.