Horns-Wearing "QAnon Shaman" Arrested?!

(And Other CAPITOL COUP News)

Violence in Washington was inevitable last week. At the rally before the attempted coup, Rudy Giuliani urged everyone to march to Congress for a "trial by combat". This is standard operating procedure for lawyers-- when you can't win on the facts, quote "Game of Thrones." I wouldn't want to get in a fight with Rudy-- he carries a concealed weapon.

During the siege in DC, Nancy Pelosi contacted the Joint Chiefs of Staff to take extra steps to keep the nuclear codes out of the hands of "a deranged president". They said "don't worry, ma'am, we've put them somewhere Trump will never find them-- the White House gym". Good thing too, because they modified the codes to better suit the president's 4th grade reading level.

Listen to this. Social media sleuths discovered that Britney Spears' ex-Husband Jason was part of the pro-Trump rally in Washington. Luckily, once the cops realized he was toxic, they hit him baby one more time. Asked how she could ever marry someone like that, Britney responded, "Oh baby baby. How was I supposed to know?"

Did you guys catch this? One of the goons who stormed Congress was an Arkansas man who raided Nancy Pelosi’s office and stole her mail. But the joke's on him-- turned out to just be Bed Bath and Beyond coupons.

In cybersecurity news, a government laptop that may have contained state secrets was stolen from Pelosi's office during the siege. Pelosi immediately contacted the FBI, CIA, and NSA to be on the lookout for any leaks of her salon receipts.

Sometimes I can't believe how bizarre Trump supporters are. Authorities arrested the man who wore horns and face paint during the attack at the Capitol, who is known as "The QAnon Shaman". He'll be tried by a jury of his peers, including Maleficent and the Beast from Beauty and the Beast.