Did Trump Give Himself a Secret Pardon?

(And Other DONALD TRUMP News)

You gotta see this. Chuck Schumer introduced articles of impeachment against Trump in the Senate and had a tiny, or in my case, enormous, slip of the tongue. I think Schumer was just cleverly adding an additional article of impeachment against Trump-- for being a giant dick. In a related story, Trump is now impotent and blames Biden for stealing the erection.

Quick propaganda update: Fox News, sore from a nose dive in ratings since they refused to spread election fraud lies, has now purged 16 news journalists so they can double down on opinion commentary shows. Didn't they know the #1 Rule of Fox News Journalism #1? Never tell the truth, even once, even a little. I took a look at the replacement programming, and Fox has an exciting new panel starring Randy Quaid, Alex Jones, and David Duke. It's must-see TV!

Trump's hotels and resorts are struggling due to his toxic brand after the Capitol riot. To make some quick cash, my sources say Trump is reportedly working on a new book "If I Did Incite a Coup". You know, they could always rebrand the hotels as "Trump Insurrection Fantasy Resorts"-- where all visitors are allowed to break in through the windows of the front entrance, take massive dumps in the lobby, and threaten to murder every undocumented housekeeper they can find.

In "Tiger King" news, Joe Exotic, who is currently in prison for attempted murder for hire, did not get a pardon from Trump, and he says it's because he's "too gay". Well, he's doubly screwed, because due the Biden administration's woke agenda, he'll probably get skipped for a pardon again for being "not gay enough".

Donald Trump did not end up pardoning himself or his family, at least that we know about. Legal experts say he may have made "pocket pardons" which can be kept secret until crimes are charged. In a related story, there's a new frozen lunch item at Aldi's: Pardon Pockets! Mmm, you can smell the corruption.

Finally, Trump has announced he is setting up the "Office of the Former President", which isn't really a thing. But hey, I can respect a life-hack-- can anyone do that? -Wow Geoff, I like your apartment? -How dare you! This is the office of the former assistant manager of Quiznos and the former head of popcorn production for AMC theaters Riverside! Show some goddamn respect.