Bill Barr Says No Election Fraud, Trump Pissed Off!

(And More TRUMP News)

In election fraud news, Trump stooge "the MyPillow guy" announced Donald will still be president for the next four years, saying "I talked to Sidney Powell about three, four days ago, so I know firsthand." It's a great advertisement for his pillows because even when he's awake he seems to be dreaming.

Attorney General Bill Barr, in a strange pivot to actually respecting laws and facts, refuted Trump and said there's no evidence of fraud that would change the election outcome. But then Trump summoned him for a tense meeting at the White House. Apparently the attorney general got so scared of retribution from Trump, he's now in Witness Protection as a hobbit with the alias Bill-Barr Baggins.

President-Elect Joe Biden told CNN it’s "of no personal consequence" to him if Trump attends his inauguration, but says it would help "end of this chaos that he’s created." It's almost worse if Trump does attend, because you know he'll just pull a Kanye. "Imma letchoo finish, but I was the greatest president OF ALL TIME!"

This is scary. According to a new study, COVID-19 may cause Erectile Dysfunction. Shh, can you hear that? It's the sound of every Trump supporter ordering a face mask. But hey, even if you do get ED, just rub a little bleach on it and I'm sure it will be fine.

Bonus Story! In New York, a Bass Pro shop has hired Santas with face shields to stand behind plexiglass and spread Christmas cheer safely to children. It's better than their previous greeter - an old sea captain who tries to snag kids with a fishhook and reel them in.