Bill and Melinda Gates Getting Divorced

(And More CRAZY News Stories)

In Space news, many Americans were worried last week about an out-of-control Chinese rocket stage that eventually crashed into the Indian Ocean. When Elon Musk heard that, he said, "wait a second, you can *control* rockets??"

Move over, Octomom. A woman in Mali has given birth to nine babies. Even stranger, the mom's name is Molly and she loves ecstasy. So the babies were born to Molly in Mali on molly. Good golly!

In insect news, scientists have taught bees to identify coronavirus-positive people by smell within seconds. The way it works is, if a swarm of them sting you, you have coronavirus. You'll die from all the bee venom, but at least you'll know you had Covid. We've obtained an exclusive video of the first clinical trial...

Here's something cute. According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular baby names for the second year in a row are Olivia and Liam. Damn. I had my money on Tucker and Marjorie.

In divorce news, Bill and Melinda Gates are splitting up. Their court documents cite irreconcilable operating systems. Meanwhile Bill is doing a media tour to dispel rumors that their arguments were about him being micro or soft.

In New Zealand, a man is being prosecuted for drawing penises over potholes, which he says he did only to draw attention to get them fixed. Just goes to show that the right move is sometimes the dick move. You know, there was a kid in my high school who did that all the time. I guess he wanted to draw attention to the doors on the bathroom stalls to get them fixed.

Finally, in New Jersey, more than 800 turtles were rescued from storm drains. Everyone was thrilled when they were rescued-- except for this guy. They should make this a new cartoon series! Tons of normal Jersey turtles, tons of normal Jersey turtles, tons of normal Jersey turtles. Found 'em in a storm drain. No powers. Oh, I'm getting an update: it's not as cute as I thought, because they turned out to be a different type of turtle.