According to the New York Times, Rudy Giuliani, who led a string of failed lawsuits over President Trump’s electoral defeat, asked to be paid $20,000 a day. Worth every penny, say Biden supporters. Apparently, Rudy's using the money to buy up every copy of Borat 2.

In court, a judge asked Giuliani to justify his request to throw out 6.8 million votes, and Rudy said "Your Honor, those ballots could have been from Mickey Mouse." Now, my investigative team did some sleuthing, and it's true. Six million votes were cast by Mickey Mouse, but they were for Donald J. Duck. Which makes this the goofiest lawsuit in American history.

According to his Instagram, Donald Trump Jr., who tested positive for Coronavirus, is spending his quarantine in his deer-hunting cabin, cleaning his guns. Funny, that's how I've been spending *my* quarantine.

Trump impersonator Alec Baldwin says the president should be buried in a Nazi graveyard, with a swastika on his tombstone. I would agree, except it looks like Trump was already cremated by that sick burn.

The FDA has authorized the first COVID-19 self-test for home use. The way it works is, you ask everyone in your household if they have corona, and if they do... you do.