A Man Wielded a Chainsaw to Steal McDonald's Food?!

(And Other CRIME and DISORDER News)

'Tis the season-- for misdemeanors. A "grinch" was caught on camera 3 times in one night stealing holiday decorations off a family's lawn. According to the local sheriff, they plan on arresting him as soon as he completes his arc of discovering the true meaning of Christmas.

This is nuts. In Maine, a man threatened and chased McDonald's employees with a chainsaw in order to steal food and drinks. Scary. But is anyone really surprised that after all these years, the Hamburglar finally snapped?

Here's something fun. In Utah, after a high-speed chase, a fugitive was found hiding in a clothes dryer. Apparently the police only needed five quarters to get him out. They gave him a light tumble and later that day... he was hanged.

In animal law, an appeals court has ruled that pachyderms do not have "human rights", shutting down requests by an animal rights group to move a Bronx Zoo elephant to a sanctuary. The judge said even if the elephant was able to leave the Bronx, the Bronx would never leave the elephant.

This is weird. In Michigan, a 42-year-old man won a $75k lawsuit against his parents for throwing out his collection of old-school pornography. When asked what he'd spend the money on, he said "A new laptop and a thousand new hard drives. I may be a pervert, but I move with the times."

In California, a judge ruled that strip clubs are exempt from the state's latest COVID shutdowns. However, the judge did order strict cleaning protocols for clubs-- every hour someone must make it rain. Reactions to the ruling were very positive, according to the poles.